San Andreas Quake
The Asylum are a crazy bunch. There are times when they aim for low budget but maintain foreign faction strength but end up competent and actually manage to create a good film. But this praise does not extend to San Andreas Mega Quake. This is an easily one of the worst disaster flicks ever, with poor delivery, gaps in stories, strange edits and plotlines and almost ad-libbed dialogue.
Today, I have the story of poor Jan’s love life who has 83 minutes of utter confusion. Jan’s dating that colleague Christine, but she seems ready to break up. Tsk! What keeps getting in the way, though, are earthquakes. However, when Jan, Christine, and the token black scientist Drew develop the theory that these earthquakes are the shallowest on record, they begin to fear that the entire western coast is going to slide into the Pacific Ocean.
Meet Deborah. She created a sonic cannon that is capable of stopping Earthquakes at their origin. She is furious because the Government provided funds to her but later appropriated the cannon to make it a weapon. All of a sudden everyone seems to agree that this is the most reasonable method to prevent the impending MEGA QUAKE. Conveniently, a clock that counts down to every outing is placed in the corner of the screen. She’s also Jan’s former spouse. Apparently, their marriage collapsed thanks to the sonic cannon. I’m guessing it is some kind of a vibrator.
It would seem all the directors are in agreement with this interpretation, and so do many international critics. It leaves one feeling quite abysmally low the only other person, the only other person seems to come out unscathed. Every mode of transportation that Deborah steps inside appears to fail. First it was a car, then it was a helicopter a second helicopter and now her gun is malfunctioning too. Along with Colonel Lochner and Sergeant Chai, the team will collaborate to carry the cannon to the most suitable location with a view to preventing the mega quake from advancing any further.
In the meantime, Deb and Jan’s daughter Ingrid who has joined the army, now tries to escape LA, which has just suffered a devastating earthquake. She wears a child like face suitable for a secondary school student but temporarily her role is much more serious as she tries to scone in time Sadie, an office worker trapped inside her Collab losing building. You see this is the way the world ends it is revealed that their last desperate hope might be to bomb the La Brea Tar Pits to let the fissure fill with lava yes, this is the direction we are going in.
Who is left standing? Do you stand a chance? Will it matter to you?
I rarely look at a movie and feel like letting out a roar of anger because a movie is so mind numbingly bad that it provides no humor, no fun, not even any unintentional camp, but San Andreas Mega Quake has swept the floor when it comes to any artistic sensibilities. The screenplay is pathetic, effects aren’t there neither are the scenes! It is painful to see those participating in such shameful acts and I hope they at least enjoyed it. The only enjoyment you shall reap out of this movie is how not to make a movie, how to sell something believing that it is entertaining. Skip it.
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