Oceans Rising
Hello darlings! I have nothing but good news to announce. I am safely back at Casa Maine after my long stay in the hospital. I am still a little unsteady on my legs but nothing that with the help of my tap therapist, Lulu Pigg, can’t be cured with some barre work and energy drinks high in protein. (I toyed with the idea of developing health foods and dietary supplements that would promise American women a body like mine, except the FDA was rather harsh regarding our application of insect protein as an additive considering the nutritional value of those products).
I also have come across my next film carefully. It’s going to be a live television musical for one of the networks that has higher numbers on my cable box. Everyone seems to want to be in the game because this genre has become quite popular over the years. This network, I think it’s OWL or perhaps it’s OWED, has come up with a tremendous new idea. The musical mash-up where they take two classics of the genre and fuse them together in a fresh and innovative manner.
It gives me great pleasure to say that I shall be playing the role of Maria in what is bound to be one of the most stunning productions of West Side Christmas Story.
In our classic rendition, teenage Tony takes a fancy for the beautiful Maria, while he plots to get hold of a Red Ryder BB Gun necessary for the riots. A teacher at Ralphie’s school, Maria is Ralphie’s favorite student, and this is unfurling while the boy’s mother and father, Anita the dressmaker and a soda shop owner respectively, are both against him owning the BB gun.
It all comes to an end with American Thanksgiving complete with Chinese turkey at the gym where the complete cast hopes to shoot every one’s eyes out. I am looking forwards to recording the comic song, Dear Santa Claus Krupke. My work with Mimi, my singing trainer is on the high trills which they intend to include for me in the “Tonight, tonight, my Santa comes tonight” quintet. I expect the outcome to be like the original Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer, which will be played repeatedly during Christmas eternally.
Normy is my brother and is devoted to his filmmaking. He is now in his studio but I manage to drag him out and invite him for an early dinner, and we come back for some family entertainment. We both wish to watch something with a lot of destruction on the screen so we browsed through a number of films on the Netflix till we saw one called Oceans Rising, which had the Statue of Liberty submerged seas.
I had never heard of the movie so it was without hesitation that we pressed the play button. However, when the production credits rolled for some obscure low-budget companies, we were ready to shut it off, but chose to see how it went. It was the worst disaster movie ever made and we have never seen an attractive picture of how not to make a movie.
Oceans Rising is the work of Adam Lipsius, a film editor in the 1990s, who briefly returned to the screen with lower-budget features about twenty years ago. Many have questioned his decision to take on writing and directing based on what can hardly be classified as professionally composed midi source files. I think that he has got quite a good family background.
Surely if he has any, it could have empowered him to recession off a suitable profession, given his inherent ability. But I think there wasn’t much that he inherited, as the total budget for the film is less than any standard port a pottie rental bill on Hollywood feature films. Characters are out of focus for much of the movie, mic packs protrude under the actors’ loose fitting attire and boom mics are sometimes even visible within the frame in shot after shot. This means that they must have had a minimum number of takes they could use.
Oceans Rising is, as its poster reveals, a film about a supposed catastrophic increase in world sea levels whereby a axis reverse of the earth is expected sometime in the future thus the use of CERN hadron particle collider is required to fix the world’s ills, almost putting it in a black hole situation (no seriously, I am not kidding about anything here).
Josh (Jason Tobias) works for the USGS while Pam (Summer Spiro) works for NOAA. The two are married at the start of the film, but things start to unravel when out of the blue, in what would be considered a crazy, OR panic inducing attempt to convince a US president in a nonsensical meeting that the world is likely to end in a short time, Josh tries to show Pam that the Apocalypse is coming, it puts a strain on their marriage, forcing Josh to leave. A montage moves us ahead three years.
A reverse three year later flashback would show that Joshua has been hiding in Galveston trying to grow a bunch of freeze dried beef stroganoff cases on his boat to ride out the water rising (including the inevitable obliteration of LA with nothing but some extras running in front of a crashing water cannon); wipe ass and go there because he’s got plans, training, and a goal. The last thing about him and Pam is that she shows up just in time for Galvy to be hit by a giant wave out of nowhere while escorting them on what looks like a scale model ship in a swimming pool.”
As more day players of diverse ethnicity are pulled from the sea, the boat begins to get crowded and the crew heads out to the first stop of the electromagnetic sight seeing tour which is the Brookhaven labs. Yes, real Brookhaven labs are situated deep in Long Island, but they appear in the middle of Gulf Mexico and reach here in about two days without crossing the Appalachian or New York City metro, or even the view depicted in the poster images.
There are still two more day players there, a hilarious electric accident stunt and soon after, the SS Minnow sails past the Atlantic to CERN, whose location seems to be in a mountain region, as opposed to the flat region where the actual site is located. So there’s more science fiction and some dreadful visual effects and mankind is spared. Typically, I do not reveal the entire storyline of the movie, however, in this case, I will make an exception so that none of my readers are forced to see the movie.
The only ray of sunshine in Oceans Rising Mr. Tobias, our hero, and the only competent actor on the set (luckily Leila Spiro’s co-star is terrible so she gets no screen time). I do believe he has the potential to do better than the crud he is offered here. He seems to understand that he is in some horrible movie, but then again all his painfully dumb scientific words are perfectly spouted with conviction and he almost convinces us these ideas make sense. Everybody but the two main heroes appear in one or two scenes before they commit a plot suicide. The only thing that can be said about them is they stay out of the cameras too much.
So, if for some misguided reason you feel like indulging in watching a certain kind of terrible, Soho Pictures has undoubtedly prepared viewers for Oceans Rising. Take my advice and play drinking games instead. Pinch a couple every time the camera malfunctions, someone spouts the laziest line, or the writing forgets the basic premise, and you will not fret about the ending. Because you would have been in an inebriated state.
Scientific roundtable discussion. The gynecological file was the last he had. Oars are taped up. Powerline is jiggling. A gaping hole in the ozonosphere. Analyst comparisons to Mars. Armed men are the Europeans. Typical seas and dry land are conspicuous by their absence. Talk of the Singularity.
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