Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus
Dear Friends and Peasants, This is it! Not an epic battle but battle seafood like you’ve never seen before. The battle of the sea creatures takes place today!
There is no need to be distressed because ‘Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus is here to save the day. The Asylum, known for its exploits of other filmmakers launched the film in early June and thankfully brings along Debbie Gibson along with Lorenzo Lamas in tow. In much the same way extinct creatures woke up in modern civilizations and battled for their place, the films featured in the series depict a huge shark and a giant octopus as the main characters.
However, if you let me contribute a couple of fascinating facts, why nothing has changed in this film in 2009! As someone who is immersed in this genre through so-called “Beast” films made in Japan, my inner self has to” believe” that “MEGA SHARK VS GIANT OCTOPUS” will be a good film because otherwise the disillusionment would be unbearable. Is it? Not really.
The production company The Asylum has been rolling out the most horrendous low-budget ‘pass-off’ movies time and again. One beg longs to ask how vulgar and money oriented are they? Recently, releases such as The Day the Earth Stopped and The Terminators. At least MS VS. GO(Requiem?) has managed to come up with an interesting concept because there is no other movie which has the same concept and is expensive as this. Thus, discussing it will be like the critics’ version of “If you build it, they will come.” As such, I will continue to work until they perfect them so that I am not engaged in playing solitaire on my computer when I watch one.
On the bright side, there is the fact that Mega/Giant, Octo/Shark is not, in fact, all that bad. I mean, it is a totally absurd piece of trash but it has Debbie Gibson grinning oddly while she clips through some severely low quality and poorly conceived CGI for the most part and And Lorenzo Lamas just sits looking angry and asking himself why he did not have the career of Mark Harmon.
But, in it’s badness, it is still quite entertaining. It’s more clumsy than it is stupid and it turns into one of those how to loose a guy in ten days type of films adding that zing to the expectant Texas Holdem listeners for the imbecilic slouched action adventure or when bored with some pals and an absurd show needs to play in the distance. So yeah, I am in both categories.
It takes all of its by the numbers pieces, shuffles them up and creates the kind of awful that would make Roland Emmerich slap his forehead. But do not get too self righteous just yet, Emmy. I even managed to pull through MSVSGO, which is quite humorous compared to what I can say for 10,000 Years B.C. This is because the movie gives what it had promised. Plan a whole lot of insignificant looking humans who are standing around frozen, watching a warm up who are the two ice age titans and the monsters who are standing around do what they do best, that is wreck things out.
After Debbie Gibson’s marine biologist disorients and manages to scare an entire pod of whales ( far more entertaining than how I’m putting it) they crash into an iceberg, thus freeing Mega Shark and Giant Octo, who I will henceforth refer to as Sharky and Ocky. These two are said to be locked in a battle all throughout westward expansion slewing the ice age around them. Much later, there is an Irish professor who has Scottish delusions (he repeatedly refers to Gibson as ‘lassie’) The ironic words “Their hate was greater than their hate against their own survival, and they fought on” who believes he is Scottish can make that sentence. Apparently there was some fighting, Mothra and Godzilla were just playing tug of war, compared to these two fellows.
The two monumental bath tub toys go on a rampage destroying ships and space stations scattered around the sea and one day, while Ocky overseas the destruction of San Francisco in It Came From Beneath the Sea decides that in this movie he’s going to focus on Japan, Sharky takes an enormous bite off the golden gate bridge.
In one of the movies funniest parts, a man standing on a commercial airliner looks out the window and sees a shark jumping out of the ocean straight at him but the shark was not just targeting this man, he was biting the plane the whole time. What follows is bad chi that is really just tracing over a scene in Blue Planet where a shark tries to eat a bird except the bird was replaced with a plane.
Everything carries on like this, until inexplicably Gibson receives a telephone call from a Japanese woman talking to him beside a water cooler which in turn prompts the couple to apply to the use of pheromones in a bid to bring both species closer so they can complete their bonding process. It’s exactly like The Dating Game, only here, contestants are all submerged in a pool. What you will see is exactly what anybody would have been expecting. Gibson gurns excessive, Lamas spits out a snarl, sharky and Ocky have an underwater wrestling match that could be mistaken for a contest. Then a Gibson song starts and the end credits appear.
Most of these Sci-Fi Channel original picture thingies (which this one will be, don’t you worry about that) are unwatchable. They are annoying enough to be called dull, and ridiculous enough not to generate a ‘smile’, ‘chuckle’, or ‘a sarcastic smirk’ for even the most optimistic audience members. Mega Shark and Giant Octo Go To White Castle avoids this fate, and the fate of all other Asylum pictures presumably, by being so darn cheerful as it goes about it’s schlocky business. Everybody here knows what they are doing, and they even look like they are enjoying themselves. Even Lamas is making a good point to be in the limelight, like for instance, he still has not changed his haircut that consists of a mullet.
Let’s be honest. Even in the wildest imagination, Mega Shark VS. Giant Octopus isn’t exactly great, or even very good. I honestly wished the visual effects were better because it could have improved the picture. But at the same time, the filmmakers do deserve credit for some of the outrageous moments in this film like a shark munching on an airplane and Lamas saying “You may love the sea but the sea sure won’t love you back”.
It was entertaining in a lousy way, and sure if there’s a sequel titled MSVSGO 2: Aquatic Boogaloo, I will definitely watch it. And if you’re reading this, I assume you will be in the same boat as I will be.
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